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Americans dating the French - Differences, Customs and Misunderstandings
Hello. I am an American in NY who has been dating a French man for about 5 months now. He is very kind hearted and we have a nice time together, but lately I have been wondering about things. I looking to find out if we are suffering from cultural misunderstandings or it is just not meant to be.
For example, we do not speak very often in between dates. In America, this is categorized as 'He's just not that into you..' What is typical behaviour after dating for almost 6 months?
Does anyone have insight or experience in dating the French?
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Comments
Francophilism and Taste In Men
For Ella (and any other American gals here who are dating a Frenchman),
Are you interested in French guys because of being interested in France or is it the other way around? Me, I've been sadly disadvantaged in that department because where I live isn't exactly abundant in French visitors or inhabitants, and unfortunately I've never been in the position to travel to France. For many years I've been fascinated with the subject of American women who prefer Frenchmen only, even to the point of shunning men who are not French in the dating world. I recently learned from various sources that the case of American women dating French men is far from rare. From what I've noticed, many of these women like to emphasize the fact that their sweethearts are French, and I'm especially in awe of American women who have been lucky enough to qualify to marry them.
I reccommend Polly Platt's book "Love a la Francaise". I ordered mine from Amazon.com and it goes into the whole history of what makes the French irresistable to some Americans in the area of "l'amour". For some reason the author doesn't delve into the French-American alliance of the Revolutionary period as the beginning of what inspires actual romantic preference for French. I'm sure there must have been a few, if not several single colonial patriot gals falling in love with handsome French troops who came to help us win the war for independence. But a word of warning: A non-Frenchman reading the book might feel (sexually) inferior to these dashing princes of Gallic charm that are mentioned as the husbands, and me, I felt envious of the physical endowments of the women mentioned who were lucky enough to get these French husbands. They are described as being like something out of a beauty pageant. They seemingly have no risk of their guys cheating on them and these guys are apparently not the type who prefer women of their own nationality. There are no photos of any of these people, though. It's a predominantly female-oriented book. From what I've assessed, cases of American women choosing Frenchmen exclusively as their mates outnumber cases of American men choosing French women.
Out of curiosity, do you think there is a certain kind of social environment that's necessary for an American woman to come in contact with a (single, unmarried) Frenchman who happens to be in America? A fancy party put on by a French-related organization or club, for instance? Was you knowing the language a factor in what got your boyfriend interested? I hope this isn't too personal of a question but has your boyfriend attributed your American-ness to what he finds attractive about you?
Carolyn
french men
Ella...I see you didnt get any answers...unfortunately i have the same question...i have been dating a French man for only a month...going out every weekend...he is wonderful and kind and very into me when we are together...but i dont hear from him in between dates...it's very frustrating and i dont know if it is a French thing either....
Dating French
Hi everyone. I am a asian girl from Singapore. I had worked for Americans here and is rather familiar with their styles of working. I also had an American boyfriend a few years ago. Now, I am dating a french man. He is very successful and is holding a very position in a french company. I realized my french boyfriend, perhaps due to language issue (he is not very fluent in English), it is kind of hard to understand what he is trying to express. I find it difficult to acertain between a positive or negative remark from him, whether he is happy or unhappy. We are together for about 1.5 months and we have been very intimate (no physical sexual activity yet), but we kiss passtionately. However, he has never call me "dear" or "honey" unlike my ex-american boyfriend. We do not speak on the phone everyday, we meet only once or twice a week. But we try to sms one another everyday, even if is a shortly one-sentence message. We have not introduce ourselves to one anothers' friends yet. But he did tell me once or twice that, we wish that we can stay together next time and he had also invited me to spend a weekend at his house to "familiar with the place". We spent most of our dates on outdoor activites like jogging and spend evenings at his house as he prefers to fix our own dinner. He is rather a good cook. I am 40 and he is 56 years old. When he was back in Paris for christmas holidays, he never ask me what gift i want from Paris. But he did sms me with naughty messages such as "dreaming of making love to me" etc. It seems to me that we are in a relationship, but again, he did not express it out verbally. He did not buy me flowers on our first date, but he paid for dinner. He did not buy me chocolate but offered me his home-made chocolate. He once told me that he is not romantic. Is there a guide on dating a frenchman? It seems that he is my boyfriend, but again as if he is not. Any advise?
Culture is not always an excuse
Culture is not always an excuse. You can’t accept all behaviours just because you think it might be a cultural difference.
I’m a gay Frenchman, I’m dating an American man, I know there are differences between us, but if something make me feel uncomfortable, I speak with him. I can’t imagine built a relationship with someone if I am afraid of speaking.
All this comportments seems strange for me, from a French person or not, but it’s weird too the fact you didn’t spoke with them already.
French man relashions with other french man
Hi Vincent,
As you mentioned there are cultural difference, that if you dont like them. need to be bring up to the table.
I have a question for you.
My Boyfriend a French guy has a metrosexual friend..he says he is a normal metrosexual from Paris.
I cut him e-mailing him in varios ocassions specially when he is going to be in France, to have an "jour end amorox" the gay reply the he reves about having an "jour amoroux" but he will be busy during the day so they can catch up later at nigth.
In another e-mail this friend ask my boyfriend to join him while he is visiting NY, so they can have fun togheter. My boyfriend reply that it would be hard for him to convince me to let him go to NY without me so their "weekend amoroux" se compris. My boyfriend keep mentining about the "Weekend amouroux" as not possible since I will be there.
After all this e-mail, It just make me think that my guy has something to be with this friend in a different way than just a close friendship.
Is it me and my cultural differences and is normal in frech culture to talk to friends like that.
Any comments...
culture is not always an excuse
I have dated men from all over the world. They are pretty much all the same but with different accents. Big deal. My American husband does posess typical custums such as always opening the car door for me when we go out together. Every frenchmen I have ever dated has not been much different when it comes to courtship. If he doesn't call you, then, he is just not that into you. No matter where he is from. Frankly I think it is a little racist to think they would be somehow different. Saying that Frenchmen are better lovers is just like saying black people are better athletes and Jews are better Doctors. It is unfair to paint a group of people with a broad stroke like that. And might I add, quite unworldly. Get yourself on a plane and see the world for yourself. You will find that people are just people, where ever you go.
Hi you guys, I've noticed
Hi you guys,
I've noticed you both are wondering if this behavior of not calling is typical of french men. My boyfriend now is french. Based on my personal experience, no, I cannot say this is typical. Although he doesn't always call me, he does make a point to contact me; by email, text on a daily basis to let me know how things are going. There are a few things he has told me that are different between our relationships here in the US and in France, but things like contacting each other during a relationship are about the same. I would suggest you just ask him straight forward. He will most likely give a very straight forward and honest answer about why he does it. I find when I just ask I usually get an answer. I don't always like the response, but I do get one.
Hi there, I'm a french man
Hi there, I'm a french man myself. As Tyra said, y'all better be frank, as would a french girl do. "Ask" for more company, phone calls and so on... if the guy doesn't seem too busy but still doesn't provide it, then you have as much information as you could ever get.
Two comments:
- Expatriates tend to be less faithful. Especially males.
- There's no typical french way to manage their relationship, among the youth. Customs about love are quite flexible.
- Once you're kind of growing old and wanna get married, it's the same here as in most other countries, so don't excuse french people to just pass by, say hello and write a sexual sms sometimes.
I wish you good luck.
Dear French man
I need more insight...I have been dating a French man for about 1 1/2 months. He was very excited about me in the beginning, I travelled out of state to see him for holiday. I felt things went well; however, after returning the calls have significantly reduced. He visited me for a business/pleasure weekend and now the calls have dramatically reduced to once a week. When we do speak and are together it seems like nothing is wrong; but there is something different. The texting had stopped all together.
Is he just not into me? If not, then why isn't he just honest and just end it? I have never experienced anything like this with an American. They would just not answer the calls.
things are pretty clear cut.
I know Europeans are known for their honesty....but I feel very uncomfortable asking. I thought he would just come forward and be honest? He lives out of state. There is nothing for him to lose.
French Men
OMG...I am having the same experience and I don't actually get to see him unless I bump into him at a market I go to and then he's all gushy with me like he's totally in love with me. I've stopped txting him because I get so upset that he doesn't respond. If you ask me they're worth it for the attention you get but you have to be patient with them.....try to get to know their customs I guess.
Lorna
hello, i have exactly the
hello, i have exactly the same situation here..while we are together (during the weekends), we always have so much fun. but never hear from him in betweens days. is tihis a culture thing or he is just not that into me?
Dating a Frenchman, Kinda Sorta
My fiance is from Cameroon and is a native Francophone. It is safe to say that in my environment, he is considered French, although in his environment of African immigrants and a normal French environment, it is more important that he is African, and he does not identify with the French. I am a black American, but many Africans consider our relationship interracial because "they're real" and "we're not".
Since the posters seem to be American women, I would like to put my two cents in from an American viewpoint. Your Foreign Gent is a man, not a style or collection of symbols. Likewise, you must know whether you are, for him, a woman or an American trophy (or a little of both) and decide if that is satisfactory to you. Understand that when you date a foreigner, you will run into conflicts. Work it out as best you can. My mother, who is married to a foreigner, said that her secret of success is "don't push it." I do not completely agree, as it is my contention that you and your prospective mate need to duke it out now and then, and clear the air to enable you to decide if there are any dealbreakers and whether you can be in it for the long haul. Basically, you are two people trying to make a life together - you may find yourself close enough one day to experience that peculiar context where it makes absolutely no difference that the two of you came from different worlds.
Heck, I'm an American girl
Heck, I'm an American girl and I prefer to keep contact to a minimum between dates. I need lots of space to keep pursuing my own ambitions or I start to feel imposed upon. lol. :P Everyone is different, and nationality often has nothing to do with it. While there are certainly cultural differences between Western countries, human emotion is universal. If you think he's not into you, not just because of his actions alone but because you get that "vibe," then you're probably right. My best friend loves dating men from other countries, and I tell her this all the time: cultural differences only go so far! Don't let yourself get duped into a crappy relationship just because "he's [random nationality], they do things differently over there!"
Definitly agree with you
Hey, I was wondering when someone will come with some common sens.
I'm french myself, dated an American Girl, and at the beginning of our relationaship did not contact her everyday at the beginning of our relationship, nor did she.
2/3 times a week, was enough, we were both pretty independant, and needed our own space.
I don't think it's a french thing at all, I dated french girl who asked me to get in touch with them once a day, and that was definitly a turn down and an end to the relationship.
My advise, give each others some space.
The only cultural difference I can see is that french guys can have a hard time expressing their emotion, mostly because of the language barriers, as most of you noticed, another thing french people are notorious for, is there rather chaotic level of english:)
Good luck to you all anyway.
french men
I'v been datind a french man from paris for about 4 months. He is wonderful and shares his feelings and thoughts all the time, which I have never experienced with any other man. He wants to talk to me everyday, never once has he not got into touch. So as for not talking in between dates, that cant be a french thing.
I am also an American girl
I am also an American girl dating a Frenchman!At the beginning of the relationship he didn't contact me a lot and I was often worried, after 1.5 months of that we moved in together, and since we have been living together he has been always calling me, even from work 2-3 times a day to wake me up on time to eat lunch with him(i sleep in late in winter), and we always go to everywhere together- shopping, cinema, friend's house. My last boyfriend was an American who unfortunately didn't include me too much to his own circle. On the other hand, this french dude includes me to his circle entirely, it is pre-assumed that I go to everywhere and anywhere with his buddies and there's no that male-only bounding thing necessary here in France, or at least in our circle of friends there isnt.
He also cooks and pays half of everything, and sends flowers. All I have to do pretty much is making the bed and cleaning the house and do dishes occasionally- and he pays the bills too. I have never felt so pampered in my life, I feel good with this guy!
About expressing emotions-yes, i do agree with the ladies above about how the French usually are not good in english-I couldn't understand anything from my current boyfriend at all at first but after living together for four months his english improved so much. We still have slight communication problems and I can never use slang, and he also always likes to pretend he understands things although he really doesnt, so yeah there are quite some misunderstandings generated because of that.
I agree. I am an American
I agree. I am an American woman with a French boyfriend and we have been dating for 5 months. Without getting into the details I will say that he is simply amazing. Everything I could want in a man he offers it to me without me asking. We have been separated for 5 weeks, he went to visit his family in France, and he contacts me multiple times a day (phone calls, texts, skype sessions). So, I can say it is definitely not a custom of Frenchmen to be M.I.A.
All people are different despite where they come from. One cannot generalize a whole population after one encounter.
Dating ze French
Hi I'm an American woman who had a whirlwind romance with a french man last year, even moving in with him into his tiny Parisian apartment for a few months. And I can see why an American woman may want to go out with a French man. I read tons of books on cultural differences and romances between an anglophone and francophone while going out with mon amour francais. So I going to completely over-generalize...
I think the biggest difference is that the French while they want to appear very liberal and accepting are actually very conservative and stuck in their ways, especially with gender roles. French men can be very masculine, macho, and expect woman to stay in the French cultural role of what it means to be a woman. French women are always impeccably groomed, meticulous house-keepers, and cook amazing meals from scratch almost every day. They watch what they eat, stay slim, and care very much how they present themselves to the world. Okay, generalization. But a French man will expect you to be like this and your relationship is doomed if you are not like this in the least bit, well at least with a Parisian man. As a woman it would be a horreur if say you were to go to the corner shop in your sweatpants without putting on any make-up. Your french boyfriend would be horrified also if say he would turn up after-work on a random weekday night you are sharing and there you are, in sneakers, no make-up, a t-shirt, and jeans even if it's a weekday night and you're not leaving the flat. The French man after wooing you, will expect you to do as he tells you! He's in control of the relationship, not you. The relationship is doomed from the get-go.
French men think American women are quite masculine actually. This is what my ex-boyfriend told me. I think it has to do with the feminist movement. It never really came to France. While today of course French woman do have a lot of equal opportunities, women are women and men are men. It doesn't seem that either of the sexes have a lot of freedom in terms of gender roles. People seem much freer in say the US and in the UK (where I live now.) There is a lot more equality amongst the sexes in the US and UK.
French men are very very passionate, romantic, and whoo harder than I've ever seen before if he is besotted with you. He will say just about anything to have you fall in love and you might actually believe him when he says over and over magical romantic things, bathing you in passionate attention. And you could feel swept off your feet like never before. Your knight in shining amour has arrived. But yes it is a fairy-tale. When the romance is over, it can end quite abruptly because an American woman and French man do have little in common. An American woman is too direct, out-spoken, and not easily controlled for a French man. If you are an American woman who is happy with who you are, this will cause even greater friction. French men are immature when it comes to a real relationship past the passion, they can not understand how an American woman thinks. The French arrogance is narcissism and going out with a French man as an American woman can cause you to loose your soul if do try to bend to his ways as he expects you to do.
So it is fun to get swept away in the first moments of romance with a French man, but anything long-term is doomed. American women who only want to date French men are women who are addicted to passion and the inevitable pain that goes with that. And I've dated 2 French men, including the French man I move to Paris to be with and left after that love affair went sour.
I'm much happier with an Englishman.
Hi Im German and my
Hi Im German and my boyfriend is french. We are together since 2 years now. During the beginning of our relation he called me at least every second day and we texted eachother a lot. I guess i have to say it depends on the person and NOT on the nationality. If you don´t like what he is doing. Tell him..and if he goes on like this...well it is probably not a french thing..
french girl dating americans
Someone above was right, expatratied tend to not be faithful
But franch guys in a relationship are very engaged in the relationship and are passionate. Culturally they (we) are not gentelmen (open door, bringing flowers, not jealous ...) because we value cuturally equal positions. That said, if they have house and kids: guys will also share all: stay at home taking care of the kid, house...
Latinamerican guys are more romantic, gentelman, jealous, but not that equal in the male/female roles
My problem as a french latinamerican girl is about AMERICAN GUYS!
I am used to have a boyfriend latinamerican or french, that either you talk to him, see him or not, you know, and family and friends know that you are together.
American "date"!
you never know what's going one. Americans date several people at the same time, none of them is an engaged relationship, so you don't even feel like asking what kind of relationship is that because you see the guy once a week or less (drinks, dinner, coffee), and maybe a couple texts in between.
Since I am in the states, all the guys I have seen have that same behavior. And they keep calling, being interested. but that's my experience and it's really annoying. I met an english girl a couple weeks ago and she said exacly the same. In UK we have boyfriends not date-body
any advice?